When you know you are good at what you do, and do it well, people will respond favorably. At least, you assume so. How do you know when people actually like what you do and aren't just being polite? You can't. And that's the revelation I had about myself the other day, that I have apparently lost the ability to know whether people appreciate what I do. Onstage or off. I don't know if anyone actually likes what I do and thinks it's of good quality. I can't trust when someone says, "good job, loved it, wel done, that was excellent" because I no longer believe they are sincere.
There's a well-known reaction in my circles basically called the "little old lady" thank you. I can't count the times I've sung in a church cantata, played handbells, sung in a small group or even in solo when, inevitably, afterward some little old lady will walk up to you, grasp your hand in both of hers, and say something like, "Oh, that was just beautiful. I just loved that. That was so gooooooood!" And then she'd move on to the next person and say the exact same thing. Now I'm not such a jerk to doubt their innocent gesture of appreciation, but it's just a gesture. I might have gotten the same reaction for filling up a gas tank, or mowing their lawn.
"Oh, we really appreciate that so much, I so enjoyed it!"
Our choir could've bungled the final chorus, finished in 2 different keys and 3 bars apart and you'd still get the same feedback. Somebody could lose their grip on a handbell and have it fly three rows deep and some sweet little blue-hair will still consider it the best concert they've ever seen. Or I could be consistently flat, forget the words to the beginning off a verse and basically butcher a song and still it would be...
"That was just wonderful! You are so good.."
Now, before you really think I'm throwing someone's sweet elderly grandma under the bus for being a dirty liar, I'm not. I'm really not. I have no doubt whatsoever that they mean what they say. It's just not the kind of feedback a performer can get that does them any good for their confidence or self-esteem. It's just a fact, they don't really know anything about music. It could be me, Enriquo Eglasias or Tiny Tim up there and they'd receive the same uneducated feedback.
So that's "little old lady" thank you's. It's polite, it's sweet, it's well-intentioned, but it's rarely accurate or helpful.
But this really has nothing to do with them. Set them aside from this narrative. My problem is farther up the ladder, in all my walks of life, most everyone considers my accomplishments, my performances, my skills, my talents, my friendship, my....whatever in either one of two ways. Disdain/indifference/scorn or a little old lady thank you. And as such, I can't trust anyone's opinions of me anymore. Because if it's either one or the other, then it could all be disdain and scorn.
Evidence:
1) I spent four years playing in a band, which I very much enjoyed. Close to the end they began auditioning other players for my position behind my back. Then when I couldn't adhere to a new, much more rigid rehearsal schedule I was asked to leave.
2) I have directed plays in the last few years at several different theatres in the Knoxville area. Not one of them did I get any true, critical, helpful feedback from the producers on how well they thought I did and was not asked back. Got plenty of little old lady thank you's (hereafter known as LOLTY's) - "That was just great, loved it, enjoyed it very much" but no return requests. Reason suggests if you actually do a good job, you get asked back. I didn't get asked back, ergo I didn't do a good job, ergo all the LOLTY's were lies.
3) I thought I was doing what I considered to be a very well-executed, faithful and quality work at my job. Never heard any official criticism of my performance. One day apparently there were stacks and stacks of complaints against me and I was fired. All those co-workers who were my friends and I seemed to work well with? Liars.
4) ____
5) Many more examples abound. "Really enjoy that podcast, Barry!" Total listenership, minimal. Total feedback when I stopped doing them? Zero. Can't miss what you don't like.
I came to this realization in a conversation with my parents. The one about getting the singing bug onstage and getting hooked on the applause. I can't remember a time when I performed anything, finished the song and heard the applause and truly felt they were clapping because I actually did something of quality that they sincerely liked, enjoyed, and appreciated. Not a little old lady appreciate, a real one. The kind you get when you go to a concert and hear someone sing a solo that really touches you. The kind you get when someone's talent and skill is noticeable. I don't claim to be super talented. But I don't even get negative or real constructive criticism or feedback. "You should be a little more careful with your phrasing or enunciation." "I enjoyed the play, it really made me think of that issue in a way I never have before. However, I think the pacing in Act I was pretty slow and dragged in the second scene. Here's why...."
I remember asking a friend of mine who is a very talented actor and director to come see a play I directed. He happened to be there the same day I went to see a performance, and I sat next to him. (I hoped he might give me some commentary but it would have been distracting). I talked to him several days later and asked for some honest feedback and constructive ideas. "It was good. I liked it. Can't really remember anything in particular that stood out as wrong." LOLTY. Either it was so bland it made no impression or he was being polite.
I will give an example of some feedback I got that was extremely heartening, which I've hung on too quite closely after all these years. A male singer/actor I knew and respected a great deal was with me in an audition one day. The audition consisted of several folks singing their song in front of the rest of the auditionees. So we all heard everyone else sing. I actually prefer it, so that was fine. After the audition was over he stopped me as we were leaving and mentioned that he really enjoyed my song, and always enjoyed hearing me sing in auditions. As far as I can tell it was completely sincere and complementary. I really appreciated the sentiment and carry that around as an example of what true appreciation is like.
But it's an isolated example. The small red flower in the white snowstorm. I've lost the ability to recognize a true, sincere compliment because I don't trust it anymore.
One may smile, and smile, and smile, and be a villain.
